EMBRACING DEATH:
A New Look at Grief, Gratitude and God

by Terri Daniel with Danny Mandell
© 2008
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OVERVIEW AND EXCERPTS

OVERVIEW

Embracing Death explores the misconceptions and mythologies held by most people who align with a traditional Judeo-Christian perspective about death, and will replace those notions with a more inspiring, accepting vision of death and the afterlife. Unlike my previous book, Embracing Death is intended to increase awareness about the process of death in general, with after-death communication as a secondary focus. Based on my perspective as a hospice worker and my ability to communicate with the Other Side, the book will offer a broad exploration of death from the perspective of human life as a multidimensional experience where death is simply the continuation of life in another form.

Embracing Death begins by examining the beliefs about death that were impressed upon our psyches as children. Religious doctrine, literature, hymns and ageless folk songs impart nightmarish imagery of a "cold, lonesome grave," the "icy hand of death" and "the dreary regions of the dead." Add images of turning to dust, being eaten by worms and a 50/50 chance of an eternity in hell, and the fear of death is securely seated in the minds of many children by the age of six. This is exacerbated by depictions of violence and murder via television, movie and computer games, which are often the only images of death to which most American children are ever exposed.

Even the so-called "happy" images of death keep us from a meaningful understanding of the sacred transition from physical to non-physical existence. Sitting next to Jesus on a throne or floating on a cloud playing a harp for eternity doesn't explain or justify our purpose on earth, and offers us a stagnant, rather pointless afterlife.

This leaves us with three basic ideas about death:

1. Judgment - We'll go to a good place or a bad place depending on our behavior.
2. Separation - We'll be somewhere else, away from loved ones, where we can't be contacted.
3. Permanence- We're gone forever, and all life experience stops.

It has been theorized that the primal fear of death is at the root of all neurosis. The ego's innate terror of extinction and isolation may be the driving force behind extreme behaviors that are designed to establish dominance and control, such as violence, rape, war, abuse and bigotry. The ego cries out, "what will become of ME?" and acts from an instinctive fear of disappearance, loneliness and loss of identity. One could think of this as a survival instinct, but it begs the question… what, exactly, is trying to survive?

The soul knows that it can't disappear, but the human personality lives in fear of annihilation. My plan for this book is to provide an alternative view that presents death as another form of birth, through which the work of our souls continues, free of dogma and judgment. This shift in perspective allows the possibility that we don't disappear after death, but continue to resonate on a higher frequency. This can help us release the fear-based notions of punishment rather than correction, judgment rather than loving guidance, and an eternity of idleness rather than a limitless opportunity for growth.

EXCERPT 1

In the early hospices it was understood that death is not the opposite of life, but the opposite of birth, or in a sense, the same as birth. In many of these hospices, such as L’Hôtel-Dieu de Beaune in France, it was common to see women giving birth on one side of the room while people were dying on the other side, all guided by midwives, while minstrels strolled around playing soothing music. Death may not be the opposite of life, but it is certainly a part of life, and there are many social and religious traditions that recognize and honor death as the sacred, intimate journey that it is. But sadly, modern America has created a culture of denial around death, and hospice care is still not generally understood or accepted. In ancient times it literally meant ‘hospitality,’ a process of assisting travelers with their journeys, including the journeys of birth and death. In those times, we lived closer to the land, we saw people and animals die all the time, and there was nothing terrible or frightening about it. The terror came with religious doctrine and the concept of evil and punishment, and hence we now have the fear of death imbedded in our culture.

One of the great losses to our society over the last few generations is the sacred process of caring for our dead at home. Before the industrial revolution, when grandma was dying, she was surrounded by her family, including young children, and after death her body was cleaned, dressed and laid out on a table for viewing by friends and family. The body was then buried in a family graveyard on the family acreage. It was a natural and expected passage, and there is now a growing movement in the U.S. to return to these practices in the hope of bringing death back into light and out of the dark place where it’s been relegated by fear, repression and religious dogma. My son had a beautiful death at home, with his beloved dog and his family by his side. I’d learned from the home death movement that a body can stay at home much longer than modern practices dictate, and we kept my son’s body with us for five hours before calling the mortuary. It gave us a chance to gently and consciously release his physical presence, and to honor the sacred vessel that had done such a worthy job of housing his soul.

"Dying at home creates a more honest space for grieving,” says Roy Green, chaplain and spiritual care coordinator for the Hospice Center in Bend, Oregon. “Death should be as fearless and accompanied as possible, and grief should be as honest as possible. If we sidestep any of the process, something will be destroyed in us. In end-of-life care we strive for two things with patients and their families... removal of physical pain and removal of spiritual pain. The physical pain is managed by medication. The spiritual pain is more challenging. We work to heal obstacles that may be keeping someone from having a peaceful death, such as forgiveness issues, a belief in divine punishment, or fears about death in general. And we work to honor innate knowledge, inner gifts and the positive experiences in the person’s life as affirmations throughout the dying process."

An honest approach to death and grieving is the key to tapping in to those gifts. Embracing death with boundless leaps of faith can shift the experience of life-threatening illness or trauma from terrifying to transcendent. An understanding of our own divinity and the perfect journey of our souls, supported by guides, angels and loved ones who have passed before us, helps us understand death as simply a journey to another room, where life continues in a different form and all deaths are pathways to healing.

EXCERPT 2

HOW WE LEARN ABOUT DEATH

Most modern Americans never see a dead body unless it's been embalmed and dressed up for a funeral. But in many other cultures, people are exposed to death throughout their lives. In countries suffering from war or famine, in tribal societies, in cultures that accept death and in most places where people live close to the land, death is not hidden or sanitized.

During my childhood, when an aged grandparent, aunt or uncle died, the younger children weren't allowed to go to the funerals because the adults thought it would be too upsetting. When I became a mother I could see the flaw in this logic, and true to my role as the black sheep of the family, I encouraged my adult siblings and cousins to take their little ones to these funerals, recognizing these events as opportunities to teach children about the cycles of life and death. My family's preference for avoidance and suppression did more to create fear and superstition in the children than to protect them from it.

It's probably fair to say that most people view death in one of these three ways:

1. Heaven and Hell

We have one life to live on earth but our souls live on after death, and if we follow the rules of our culture and our religion, we will be rewarded after death with a conflict-free eternity, recognized by our god and our peers as a good or righteous person. If we don't follow these rules, we will be judged for our sins and sentenced to an eternity in a place of terror from which there is no return or redemption. When dying or grieving, this view leaves us terrified that we may have failed in life, and gives no reason for our experiences on earth other than an ultimate reward or punishment after death.

2. There nothing but the physical

In this view, there is no such thing as a non-physical world. When we die, our bodies decompose and we're gone, flat lined, forever. There is no soul or spirit, and no afterlife. The physical body is all there is, and after it dies, there is nothing left. A lifetime of achievements, losses, relationships, growth experiences, issues and creations remains frozen in time, because this one lifetime was our only encounter with existence. When dying or grieving, this view leaves us feeling utterly abandoned as victims of random chaos in a finite system. It exacerbates the feeling of permanent loss for the bereaved, making the grief process more difficult.

3. The soul lives on for the exclusive purpose of growth and awakening.

The soul continues to broadcast its energy after the body dies. It continues its journey, sometimes embodied during incarnations, and at other times disembodied and continuing its work from non-physical realms. The soul continues to live and be part of the human panorama. When dying or grieving, this view gives purpose to one's life on earth, and provides limitless opportunities for expansion, correction and creation, no matter how short or how tragic the current physical life might have been.

Whatever your belief system may be, the ideas you absorbed as a child were handed down by your tribe… your family, your culture, your social circle and your religion. This includes television, movies, books, art, education, relationships and other sources. But as you evolved as an individual and were exposed to new information, through the use of your free will and critical thinking skills, you mixed-and-matched with your childhood beliefs to create the theology you now have. When I was a child, my tribe told me that God punishes bad people and rewards good people. I moved out of that belief in the same way many of you moved through the beliefs of your own tribal origins. It's an evolutionary process in which we choose to keep some ideas and reject others according to where we are along our spiritual paths. But in the beginning of each earthly incarnation, these beliefs are given to us according to tribal tradition.

© 2008 Terri Daniel with Danny Mandell